I'm so confused...

It's been a while since my last post. Several visits since the last post have me so confused.

Monday, Craig was asleep when I arrived.I woke him, he looked at me for a minute, and I held his hand as he drifted back to sleep.Left the cookies and YooHoo I brought for him.

Made myself wait until Thursday to visit again. His roommate will be leaving in a few weeks,
and I will have no outside inout into his behavior when I am not there.

Craig seems in great spirits as I arrive and find him almost right at the entry door. He puts his arm around my waist and we walk to his room.He eats the pudding I brought for him with a smile on his face.My spirits are lifting.

The charge nurse comes in and hands Craig his meds, and reality smacks me ...
" I don't take any pills" The argument ensues, and the nurse says he will try again later.
Now the familiar behaviors come rushing to the surface again, incoherent phrases, repetitive
small finger motions, the inability to sit or stand still.

I ask him what kind of cake and ice cream he wants for his birthday, on the sixth try, I get
:banana cream pie". Now I tell him I have to leave and he walks me down the hall asking me
if today is someone's birthday. No, Craig, Monday is your birthday. You will be 56.

I feel like the directions on the shampoo bottle, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Hopefully, he will take his meds later. I see his up and down swings and wonder, is the medicine really helping? Or are we just dragging out the suffering for him. I know that he would be horrified at his situation if he was still able to understand it. He would never want to live like this.

I remember him telling me many times that his father told him there were 3 places you never wanted to go; prison, the military and a mental hospital... because they own you in all 3.
I think Craig would add one to that....