Flip a coin

It has been a long week. I finally got the social worker on the phone, pnly to be told "she oesn't get medical updates" to "talk to the nurses' station".Guess the honeymoon's over!

In checking with the nurses station, I am told there have been no additional notes on my husband's seizure, except to increase his meds. I ask if there are any results from the EEG, nothing! I ask if they can get the results, and they tell me they can call the hospital and ask, but I should call the doctor. I ask them for his name, and find he has an office downtown.

I arrive to visit Craig expecting the same catatonic man I saw last visit, only to find him extremely alert, conversive, mobile and only slightly confused. We have our ritual chocolate pudding, and I give him the YooHoo drink box, but he cannot negotiate the straw, so I squeeze it into a paper cup.
His roommate is gone now, so he is alone in the room. After a bit of strange "conversation", he tells me he has to get to the car and get back to work. "Nothing is free you know!".

I am relieved that he seems to have recovered so well from the seizure and meds change.

I actually perform some "normal" household cleaning projects over the weekend. I actually anticipate the next visit with Craig with anxiety. The last time he seemed really up, was when he had the seizure during the night.

This visit was very different. He does recognize my voice, seems mildly co-operative....until we get to his room.

Now I have to chase him down to eat the pudding. He cannot negotiate the spoon or pudding cup. I feed it to him. He keeps grabbing my sleeve, and at one point tries to pull my thumb into his mouth. I get him onto the bed, and as usual, he falls backwards in an odd position. After a few minutes, I decide to try to swing his legs onto the bed and he yelps, saying that hurts. Then tells me the cat scratched him. I tell him there is no cat there, and now he says it is a dog. No sense arguing.

After trying vainly to talk to him, I notice he is making jerking movements intermittently. I ask if he wants to sit up. He tries, but can't get all the way upright. I offer help, but he is dead weight and fights me trying to sit him up. I ask him if his back hurts an he says yes. I tell him I am leaving and try to kiss him goodbye, but he wants nothing to do with it. I tell him I love him, no response. I gather my things, turn to leave, and tell him again I love him. He looks at me and says "bye Peg". Then starts to mumble about ingratiation.

I stop at the nurses' station and tell them about his back, but tell them he is irritated right now, so might want to wait a bit to check his back.

I actually have a nice chat with the nurses for the first time. I leave defeated again.

I hate the up and down of this disease. If I expect the worst each time, I will miss the few good pieces there are left. But if I let the good moments lift my expectations, I am always so sadly disappointed. Just like flipping a coin.....