In Loving Memory

It has been many months since I last posted, and much has happened. We moved from PA to Ohio, where our boys were raised, I went thru a period of deep depression, where I was out of work before hand. The psychiatrist told me I had to start thinking about taking care of me, and think about what would happen when this journey ended.
 This prompted the move, along with a change back to the job I had for 17 years. God was watching over us, as I was able to find a job thru an old co-worker, for which I am very grateful.

 We moved Craig soon after we moved, and at that time Hospice discharged him saying he had stabilized his weight loss and had not had a seizure in months. Everything seemed to be going along smoothly, when Craig started to refuse meds and food.
 I bought special food and beverages, hoping to get him back on track, but each day it became more apparent he had decided to refuse. Hospice was called in, and after much discussion, it was decided not to give IV fluids, or a feeding tube.
 I informed his brother, who had not spoken to us in many years, and after a very disagreeable conversation, he made a short trip to see Craig.I truly believe he only did it so he wouldn't look bad.
Arguments aside, the boys and I agreed that if Craig did not want to eat or drink, we would honor his choice unselfishly.
Craig lasted 3 weeks in this state before he passed, and I can tell you that it was the hardest thing I have ever done to watch him seize over and over, to stay with him constantly,knowing I could do nothing.
I spent the last few days with him trying to cool his fever, asking the nurses for his next dose of morphine, at times holding his hand and stroking his head, at times crawling in with him to hold him in my arms.
The time since his passing has been hard too.Paperwork, funerals, lost wages, informing his stepmother, answering condolences, and awaiting his ashes.
 Now I am trying to figure out how I move forward after so many years of my world centering around taking care of him. And how do I help the boys to get on with the lives they have deferred to help with their Dad.
Father's day was 2 weeks after Craig's passing, and it was hard, but his birthday is July 6th, and since I have
not yet gotten past the numbness of his passing, I am sure it will trigger a flood of emotion.
Perhaps a memorial on his birthday, which I could not do when he passed due to funding issues will help me to finally mourn like I have been unable to do yet. I'm not sure if I am broken, but I haven't really cried much, except when people ask about his passing. And I have tried not to talk about it. I am afraid I will lose all control and melt into a puddle from which I will not be able to recover.
 All I know is, I am trying to remember him as the love of my life, not the shell I sat with as he fought for life.
And I really need a hug......