Just have to vent

Wow! What a long time it has taken me to get back to this!

 Aside from the obvious deterioration on hubby's part, I am now dealing with the toll it has taken on me. Between the stress of work, Craig, home and family, I am at the breaking point. I no longer keep my house or my self in any kind of presentable shape. I can't go to sleep, have panic attacks, cry all the time and can't breathe half the time. Sometimes it feels like a boa constrictor is squeezing the air out of me. I have no attention span, and find myself floating off when driving. Scares the crap right out of you! I, the spelling and language queen, find myself fighting for common words. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm getting it too. Wouldn't that be ironic? Who would fight for me the way I've fought for him?

 Craig's mother passed away a few weeks ago, and his brother, who waited until the last days to tell us, curtly informed me of her passing, but has made no contact since, despite repeated attempts on my part. Guess we are no longer part of his life. Whatever.

 Speaking of which, after a few Web searches, I found out that the story he told about stopping on the way to Arlington for his Uncle's funeral was bullshit. The man was buried in Erie.

 Craig is back to the depakote along with a small dose of zyprexa now, is still seizing, having trouble swallowing and now breathing is difficult. I have told them several times he is in pain of some kind, but nothing has been done to try to figure out what the cause is. I will have to address this with the Hospice I guess.

 Funeral plans have been completed, again, all alone.Everything is done all alone now days. Even the few people who used to keep in contact have drifted away.

 Thank God for the people on the Alzheimers websites. They are the only support I have now.

 I miss my life, I miss my sanity, but most of all I miss Craig. He is already gone....